Death changes people, it changes the way you see yourself, and the world around you. It changes the way I feel about the month of May, and part of the reason I haven't written since Josh's birthday. The part of my brain that has stored the memories of Josh's last days on earth are etched into my being, but yet protected from doing more harm than necessary on my already broken heart. It hurts, it hurts more than anything I have ever felt before, and it doesn't get any easier.
This first angel-anniversary, was hard, but it wasn't any harder than the day before, or the weeks before that. I had many people ask what I was going to do, like it was a day to celebrate. The only thing I knew, was that I wanted to send lanterns into the sky. We had watched a movie right before moving back, and said if either of us died, that we wanted to do that. So we did! After the softball game, we gathered, in the left field, and released our lanterns into the stillness of the night sky. It was surprisingly calming, and breathtakingly beautiful. A memory that I will always hold near to my heart.
I think about the sequence of events from May 8th everyday. I cherish our first kiss of the day, our talk at lunch, the dinner we ate, my last car ride, last kiss, the last time we said I love you. Hearing the First words from Grayson "daddy". I wish he would've listened to me, when I said don't play tonight. I wish I didn't have to call 911, or ride in the damn police car to the hospital. I wish I didn't have to let go of his hand, and let him go. Or call allllllllllll of his friends and family and tell them the horrible news, and repete over and over that it wasn't joke.
People die, we will all die someday, and our society does a horrible job of understanding and accepting it. I for one, am only beginning to thaw, to realize this isn't a deployment and he's not coming home. I know that night, as the news got out, many of you, held your loved ones a little tighter, said I love you one more time, maybe cried in each others arms. It was at that time, we had all changed. Whether you knew Josh for a day, or a lifetime, he had some impact on your life, on all of our lives.
I was lucky to have had the amazing once in a lifetime type of relationship we did. We had something special from day one, that many will only dream of. I miss that. I still feel his presence around me, but I miss us. I miss who I was, the smile I carried, and love shared. I often think about the wonderful times we shared, amazing adventures we took, and life we had, and I smile. I know that someday I will find out why he had to leave us to soon, but until then I will carry on his legacy and share his amazing story of honor, service and sacrifice for his family and country.
I may never be the same person, my future will always look different, and my life is a whole lot harder to figure out now. I don't know how I'm doing it, or how I even survived this past year. All I know is that it's not easy, and I don't wish this upon anyone, especially those with children. No matter how much I hurt, my kids come first, and my grief takes the backseat and kindly waits for me. Someday the changed me will step up, and out of the cloud, but while that protective covering is around, I will continue to live for today. And maybe that's
the best lesson of them all?!
