One Year....

Death changes people, it changes the way you see yourself, and the world around you. It changes the way I feel about the month of May, and part of the reason I haven't written since Josh's birthday. The part of my brain that has stored the memories of Josh's last days on earth are etched into my being, but yet protected from doing more harm than necessary on my already broken heart. It hurts, it hurts more than anything I have ever felt before, and it doesn't get any easier. 

This first angel-anniversary, was hard, but it wasn't any harder than the day before, or the weeks before that. I had many people ask what I was going to do, like it was a day to celebrate. The only thing I knew, was that I wanted to send lanterns into the sky. We had watched a movie right before moving back, and said if either of us died, that we wanted to do that. So we did! After the softball game, we gathered, in the left field, and released our lanterns into the stillness of the night sky. It was surprisingly calming, and breathtakingly beautiful. A memory that I will always hold near to my heart. 

I think about the sequence of events from May 8th everyday. I cherish our first kiss of the day, our talk at lunch, the dinner we ate, my last car ride,  last kiss, the last time we said I love you. Hearing the  First words from Grayson "daddy". I wish he would've listened to me, when I said don't play tonight. I wish I didn't have to call 911, or ride in the damn police car to the hospital. I wish I didn't have to let go of his hand, and let him go.  Or call allllllllllll of his friends and family and tell them the horrible news, and repete over and over that it wasn't joke.  

People die, we will all die someday, and our society does a horrible job of understanding and accepting it. I for one, am only beginning to thaw, to realize this isn't a deployment and he's not coming home. I know that night, as the news got out, many of you, held your loved ones a little tighter, said I love you one more time, maybe cried in each others arms. It was at that time, we had all changed. Whether you knew Josh for a day, or a lifetime, he had some impact on your life, on all of our lives.

 I was lucky to have had the amazing once in a lifetime type of relationship we did. We had something special from day one, that many will only dream of. I miss that. I still feel his presence around me, but I miss us. I miss who I was, the smile I carried, and love shared. I often think about the wonderful times we shared, amazing adventures we took, and life we had, and I smile. I know that someday I will find out why he had to leave us to soon, but until then I will carry on his legacy and share his amazing story of honor, service and sacrifice for his family and country. 

I may never be the same person,  my future will always look different, and my life is a whole lot harder to figure out now. I don't know how I'm doing it, or how I even survived this past year. All I know is that it's not easy, and I don't wish this upon anyone, especially those with children. No matter how much I hurt, my kids come first, and my grief takes the backseat and kindly waits for me.  Someday the changed me will step up, and out of the cloud, but while that protective covering is around, I will continue to live for today. And maybe that's
 the best lesson of them all?! 

Forever Young...

Thirty three years ago today my husband  was born. I think angels must have been singing (or at least giggling) when they bestowed that gift on your parents. If only they'd known what trouble you would get into, and the enormous amount of happiness you'd bring everywhere you went...they might have been better prepared! :)  Josh has the most amazing family, and I can only imagine his birthday's were nothing but amazing!  I am forever grateful that I was able to spend ten years of my life, ten birthdays with Josh!

While we all continue to grow, he remains 32.  A perfect, loving, forever young 32... Every year, on his birthday, Joshua would kindly remind me of my first birthday surprise for him! I tried so hard to make a nice, semi-fancy cake...knowing it would have to live up to his moms. Well I failed, not fully my fault,  for I blame it on the oven...she's the one that burnt that cake, not me! hahhah When he got home from work the house smelled horrible, the cake "looked good" thanks to the frosting, and I was crying my eyes out... He pulled me close and couldn't help but laugh! I learned after that, that he actually liked ice cream cakes, and those I could handle!!! haha

Not only will he be forever young ..... in everyone's mind, especially my children's ..... but he'll also be pretty close to perfect .... in their minds, and in all actuality he was, for us!   They have beautiful memories of his birthdays, and will always hold those times in their hearts.  They surprise me with how much they remember, and that fills my heart with more joy than ever.

I will always remember his 32nd birthday, for it was the last datenight we shared together... The last time I sat accross from him, and smiled that giddly loving smile, with out the kids, just us. I clearly remember looking deep into his eyes, and knowing that what we had was perfect, and asked him how could it get any better than this?! He smiled, and siad, " We have it all, this life is great, our love is better than most and  just like Jameson it gets better with age! ha ha After dinner, we met my brother, and the guys shot darts for a while, very romantic, I know! We then hurried home to the kids to enduldge in a cake, that I once again messed up!!!  Now don't get me wrong, the cake itself was amazingly scrumptious, however I picked the wrong one. Oh well... The kids loved it, we all did, and we celebrated, laughed and smiled.

Today was hard, I wasn't sure what to do, but we still wanted to celebrate. The girls asked if they could send daddy balloons, for that's what he had always gotten for them. So we sent our love and birthday wishes to heaven, grilled some awesome salmon and celebrated life! A life that will always be  intertwined in all of the lives that he came in touch with. A life that I am proud to celebrate, for I know that's what he would want!

Happy Birthday Joshua!
Forever and Always....

Courage...

you never know what the one thing in your life is going to be that changes you

and everything you believe

 I've never been in an abusive relationship, and I can tell you that will never happen. Nobody deserves to be threatened, beaten, pushed around or hurt in any way, shape or form. However, unfortunately, to many that is not the case. This morning, a vulnerable, young innocent lady walked up to me.  Broken and in tears she asked if she could borrow my phone real quick.  I hesitated, but said yes, of course...here you go.  She dialed the number, with tears streaming down her face...no answer.  I asked her if she was ok, if there was anything I could do.  She replied, I need to get to a shelter, I'm scared.  I have two little girls upstairs, and we need to get out of here.  Instantly I said, ok, not knowing her background or situation, I could see the pain and anguish in her eyes, she was scared and needed hope and help.  I told her to get her stuff together, and I would bring them.

I waited for her to come back, not sure if she would...but she did! She had both little girls in her arms, and a huge amount of courage in her to ask a complete stranger for help.  I buckled the kids into the car, and drove these girls to a safe place, a place I know where she will receive the help and care she needs in this type of situation. 

I walked them in, the person behind the desk greeted us warmly, and guided them into a private room. I explained what little I knew, and proceeded to leave. She kindly thanked me, as did the counselor and I walked out. 

I hope and pray that this will be the start of a new and better life for this young girl and her sweet babies.  I hope that they can wake up tomorrow with a sense of comfort, and peace.  I'm grateful that I was at the right place at the right time, that I possibly helped save the lives of those three people.  And that I brought a little ray of encouragement and hope to them. I don't know if they'll go back into that situation, I hope they don't, but for tonight, I can rest assured that they will be safe and away from harm. 

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt,

Solo Parenting...

Life is not easy, but then I suppose if it was, it wouldn't mean as much, and we probably wouldn't appreciate it as much, would we?

Any of you who have children, know how exhausting parenting is, having three is tough, fulfilling, always exciting, overwhelmingly rewarding, but tough. We feel pride and accomplishment when they do something great, and want to pull our hair out when the rules are broken. 
But ya know what, things seemed a lot easier when I didn't have to do it all alone, when I had someone beside me to help push me through whatever we were facing.  That was Before... Before I became the only parent.

Yes, I say only parent, I'm not a single parent, because my children aren't able to go to see their dad on the weekends....I didn't chose this role, none of us do.  It changed me, the way I look at our children, the way I talk to them, and the goals I want for them.  Sometimes, I'm angry that he left us, left me to try to figure this all out on my own.  Sad, that he can't partake in all of the fun activities that the kids like, but we do have the memories of before...

I can't parent the same way as I did before, and I was a pretty awesome parent, at least I like to think so!  I can't discipline the children the same way, because I don't have the same patience or energy like I did before. I choose my battles, like all parents...but those battles aren't fought with the same fight as I had.  Those battles are often won by the kids, not always, but more than before.  Now, my children are young, so battles are often over "piddly" little things.  But at this age it's still a battle... and a battle I will either choose to win or not. I will not be the mother and the father, because, well, I'm not a man, and I will never fill the shoes of my husband. 

But I can try to be the best mom that I know how to. And I am trying...
Trying to get back to the awesome before mom,
Trying to smile,
Trying to see life through the kids eyes, who find the beauty in everything.
Trying to make sure that even amidst the tragedy, my kids know that they are loved. No matter what!
Trying to let my kids, be kids! To have fun, to get dirty and not watch TV all day. 

I haven't given up on myself, or them for that matter.  We will get through this, even if it isn't always easy. 

Feels like home?!

Home... Is where your heart is, where your rump roasts, where you spend time with the ones you love. Home is the cute three bedroom house with the picket fence. It's the place in the country surrounded by fifty acres of land, it's the studio appartment downtown. To all of us, home is someplace different, however, we ultimately have one thing in common, it's the place we create memories in.  The place that we go to in order to feel comfortable, happy and content.  It holds all of the 'stuff' that we love, and protects us from the storms.

We had the perfect starter home for our little family, a place that was a product of hard work and love. We had many wonderful times spent with our military family, and our immediate family when they would visit. It kept us safe from the storms of life for half of the time we were in Virginia. It housed smiles and laughter, happiness and tears. We left this beautiful house one year ago, to join the civilian world, and raise our family closer to the family that raised us. Today that house, is the only one that I will have shared with my husband. The only house we picked out together, the one that holds both of our love and tears.  The memories will always remain with me, for they are etched into my heart and soul.

 I will take these memories with me to our new house, hopeful that one day it will feel like home, just as Virginia did.  Our new house is cute, perfect for what I need right now with three little kids. Finding it, however was a challenge, emotionally. I think back to what we wanted in our next house, the dreams and visions of the life we'd create from here on out. Those will have to remain dreams... I didnt have my husband there to include his smart comments about it not having enough room, enough projects to keep him busy, to say yea this is it, or  lets keep looking.  I did have my family, but they won't be living there, so it's all on me, to choose the place to raise my babies.
 If I've learned anything in my life, it's to always follow your gut. That crazy little "person" inside of you, telling you what you should do. That gut kept bringing me back to one house, the house I hope to make a beautiful, fun and loving home for us. It will be filled with the loving spirit of my husband for I see him shine through the kids daily. We will have his pictures on the walls, and share the same traditions we did before he passed away. Although home will never be as it was, it can still carry the love and traditions we created.  It will be the place I go with the ones I love, the place to help protect us from the storm...